Going The Distance
Just another Blogtown NZ site

circumstances that i dont really want to get in to right now, forced me to not smoke on new years..

so in a way this is a good thing right? the only time that i thought i would fumble..i managed to stay away from smokes…

which i see as a blessing in disguise..

the cravings are lessening…

but im off to have some serious chats with some people today.. so let’s see if the stress levels remain low enough for me to say NO.. ooh let’s see aye…

Hey Im sonz.. Ive been smoke free for 5 days and have saved $55.00+ take into account the extra packet i wouldve bought if i went out drinking… = $66.00

we were all set to go on holiday …packing up car, its been raining heavily so i was taking clothes to laundromat to dry..

then it all turned to shit.

kids sprayed sun tan lotion over everything..

they got a slap on the hand for that.. which made them bawl…

i decided ill take them with me, T is shouting out obscenities.. (gosh hes annoying sometiems)

i put everything in car.. turn the ignition.. and my whole life crumbled….

that bloody battery was flat (A>G>A>I>N!!!).. to give you a bit of history on it.. that battery goes flat if you leave the door open for longer than a minute.. it is so bloody temperamental.

i go and buy a new one. T goes and puts it in my car.. i said nO my car is fine, put it in the family car..nah he reckons..this argument is finally been put to an end.. the battery is officially dead beyond repair.

by now my temper has reached boiling…i get in my car with the choice battery…take clothes to laundro.. next door was a dairy..

i sat there and contemplated buying me some smokes…and you know what came to mind? that i didnt want to upset my blog.. i didnt want to come back and say i let this stupid moment in my life destroy my smokefree status.. im stronger than that..

although right now im thinking.. what would you all know.. if i had gone and bought a packet.. you wouldnt know if i had i just wouldnt tell you.. and it would fall right off your shoulders cos at the end of the day it doesnt matter to you lot… it only matters to me..

so what did i do?…

i went in and bought a fizzy and a mince pie..lol.. i thought well if i munch on this and sip my fizzy.. then by the time im done with that i wouldve forgotten about my need for a smoke.

which it did. i also walked past some smokers and goawd it smelled foul.. so if it smells that way and i know its bad.. why why why why why why do i want a smoke so bad?…

the milktray chocolates have finally been demolished.. my kids found my stash this morning and both ran out of my room with about 5 chocs each under their tops..lol…bless em..

 hate that im addicted…

T can’t even talk to me without me spinning out!!!

anything he says im finding an excuse to rob him of his manhood!

its like i want him to make me sooo wild ill give up and go to the store and buy a packet..lol.. yeah.. i think thats what im doing..

I unplugged my laptop from the living room.. i said to him im going to my room. dont follow me, dont talk to me, i dont want you i dont want anything to do with you.. stay away from me1 ARRGHHHHH!!!

i guess partners suffer too…when all theyre trying to do is help.. when ur on edge like this, the best thing i reckon is just stay the f**k away….

i’m sitting there all calm…hes not talking to me .. that’s great..

T:… Babe…

Me: Shut the F**K up i don’t want to talk to you..

T. But babe…

Me: noooo i dont want to know..

T: ok…

(a few seconds go past)

T: i was just going to tell you that programme you wanted to watch is about to sta…..

ME: You dont think i know? you think im stuuuuuupid? stay the hell away from me..

T: aww hun..

ME: don’t talk to me..

SOmeone give this b**ch a ciggy!…

also… I uninvited him to his mother’s house for new years.. told him he wasnt invited to go anymore..lolol shakes head…

i hate being addicted to something….i really hate it..

another day down.. Im sonz.. ive been smokefree for 3 days , have survived a marriage break up…and have saved $44.00

it’s getting harder…admittingly..

the urges are getting more frequent..i seem to be eating more chocolate.. (that milktray is almost all gone.. and still hidden..lol)

yanno how i said i was a funny kind of smoker..

I told my messageboard mates today that i was quitting smoking..

they have been my friends for 3 years now.. and the majority didnt know i smoked..lol.. thats how much i despise it.. i hide it like I am ashamed of it.. my secret shame..lol

im putting things on a scale..

imagine this is my scale…1….2….3…4…5….all the way up to 100.

i am currently at 3 (day 3) and i want to get to 100.  if i have a smoke, i have to start from the beginning again…

I dont see  the point in anything that i do that would want me to go back to the starters line…

i think im going to put my  lil scale at the bottom.

aarrrrggghhhh!

is there a date.. a certain amount of time that has to lapse before one is considered a non smoker?

what stage/phase would I be at now.. at day two?…

seems comical in a sense that there is no rule to this.

I could call myself a ‘non-smoker’ right now..

I mean im not smoking.. havent been for the last two days.. if i make a pledge to say i will try very hard t never smoke again..

can i be classed as a non smoker?.. hmm something to ponder over…

new years coming up.. hope i make it through that monstrosity..

Im sonz. i have been smokefree for two days and have saved  $31.50

its. 11.23am.. Day two..

and i finally feel like a ciggy.. although nothing is going to come of this.. im determined not to smoke. I put it down to my partner, T. He stresses me out so much.. just the lil stupid things he does, now i have 0 tolerance and i go straight to blood boiling.. no hahaha funy..

lol remember when love at first moments was all fluffy and lovey dovey?..lol…nope im evil wife these days..

so anyway when he does something that annoys me, i go into auto pilot mode..i *sigh.. vent.. and go outside and smoke a ciggy to release some of that stress that was just put on me…

i cant do that now.. so im going to have to find a way to combat this.. something that’s not so fattening like hiding chocolate in my room..lol (they still havent figured it out)..

off to drink a litre of icy cold water me thinks….

2:10pm….

feeling like another one already.. only cos i got stressed…stupid punk on fb started spamming so i old her to stop… turns out she was an old lady who told me to stop threatening her or she will call the police, then all her lil nieces n nephews came online and LOL.. was funny… gotta feel the love for this old nanna.. but she seriously was in the wrong..anyways.. it got me worked up and now i want a smoke..lol. bahh chocolate here i come….

10:48pm…

again im here.. it seems like when i want a smoke, coming online and writing is really therapeutic.. i had doubts that this blog would work cos i thought if i talked about smoking, id want a smoke.. but its doing the opposite actually… im realising the power i have.. there is an urge within me to wanna go buy a packet.. i think that’s the easy part.. if there were a ciggy lying around the house.. id go smoke it.. but because i dont have any.. i wont go buy them..i think its going to be easier to talk myself out of buying a packet than smoking one.. so let’s hope i dont go and buy one.. ugghh even though i want to…!staying strong.. might call quit line tomorrow.. see what theyve got to say..

Ever get that feeling.. that you’re just over it?..

When  you’ve done something so long, been a certain way for like, forever you just do it naturally. Yep that’s me.. addictive personality, predictable.. no will power..i sat outside last night.. my partner went and bought me a packet of Freedom 30’s.. (they cost $18) he mentioned to me that the price of smokes is going up the next day…I sat there, like a coke addict, arm reached out gimme gimme my smokes…I didn’t care.. as long as I got my fix…

Breathed in…hmmm mmmm yeah that’s the good shit right there..!

Then after that first puff you start to feel these feelings of guilt..

…(man, smokes are going to cost $21.00).. hmmm puff puff…

…(I should really give up)… puff puff..

Ive actually wanted to give up for a while.. im a bullshit smoker..i  only really smoke at home and places that I feel safe. I don’t smoke walking my streets, I don’t smoke at work..infact.. unless I say im off for a smoke which I hardly ever do.. or they see me.. not many know that I smoke..

In the last 5 years or so I became a reclusive (bullshit) smoker.. this is where I would act all smokefree…I would never say I was smokefree.. but I would rubbish the smokers with the next joe..

And then id go home and puff up a storm!..

So this is what my blog is about.. going the distance..

Im giving myself a year to become totally smokefree.. I think I can do this.. im feeling pretty confident. ..

So today 28/12/2011.. is the day I decided I would give up. Nothing great about this day.. more that I was on the final few cigs and decided that once the packet was empty I wasn’t going to buy some more.

I tried really hard last night (27.12) to smoke the entire packet so I could start off today with nothing.. haha you would think I could’ve thrown the rest out.. if you’ve ever been a smoker you would know.. u cant/don’t throw smokes out..lol..its not that easy.. you have to smoke that shit!

So I had my normal morning ciggy.. I said to my partner  who will be known as ‘T’  who is also a bullshit smoker who only smokes when I have them.. and doesn’t care when there aren’t any around.. (oh to be like him)…I said to him.. you have the last ciggy.. ‘ok’ he replies..

Well I wait half the bloody morning for him to smoke that ciggy.. I walk outside.. I still see it there in it’s packet.. ‘why hasn’t he smoked that yet’?..lol I actually started to get mad.. that that ciggy should’ve been well and truly turned to ash by now..but nope.. he didn’t care about it..

I became obsessed with it.. go do the dishes… finish.. has he smoked it yet?… nope.

Sat in my living room.. and I envisioned this lonely cigarette….sitting outside..

I know it seemed stupid.. but to me, having that one live ciggy in the house meant I couldn’t really move on to being smokefree.. so I did what anyone in my situation would’ve done..

I smoked it..lol.

There was a bit of nostalgia with it as well as I thought about the epic moment this was.. I was about to give up smoking.. ! I walked back inside and I felt a bit of relief if you must know.. I was glad that smoke was gone.. (ten minutes later.. T comes looking for it..lol)..

That was this morning..

The afternoon proved to be a bit harder.. the more I thought about it the more I wanted one.. Im not a chocolate eater..can have a piece or two at max.. too rich for me..

Well I have a whole bloody tray of Cadbury milk tray hidden in my room.. not because I want to be greedy.. more because that is T’s addiction.. chocolate.. if he saw that I had opened that tray, they would’ve all been gone by now and I would have nothing to take the edge off when I need a smoke..

Ive had two hazelnut delights… and a vanilla fudge…

Oh and ive drunk copious amounts of water today too. And man that’s good..

The evening is pretty cruisy.. im surprised I don’t want a smoke..

So to end my lil speel for tonight..

Im Sonz… I have been smokefree for 1 day & I have saved a total of $21.00 to date.