its been a while alright since ive been in here.
its not that im avoiding the blog but moreso that i havent had the time …not even now..
ive been so stressed out lately with study, living away from home and kids.. money.. (haha money and im still smoking),,,,its just been tough and it aint over with yet…
it feels like it isnt a good time to give up..although it would be a great time to give up!
IM READY TO TRY AGAIN…
its taken me two weeks to jump back on the wagon.
I think i am going to go seek help…cold turkey doesnt seem to be working for me this time around..
guess i need sum gum. I have a prescription in my bag so Ill go to pharmacy today and get some stuff.
hopefully that will work.
I’ve been out of town for a few weeks, hence why i havent returned to my beloved blog..
but i return with sad news..:(
I failed.. i failed miserably!..
i had such a hard new years that come jan 1 all i could do is rush to the dairy to buy me a packet.. and i smoked n smoked n smoked til the sickness went away.. not im chaining it again:(
so since jan 1 i am on to my third packet..
T isnt happy with me.. he doesnt yell at me but you can tell he’s dissapointed.. and im dissapointed too…
im going back to work on monday away for the week.
I am going to start again monday morning…and hope for the best. 
5 days on, i got totally stressed.. and yes i went and bought a packet of smokes..
i lit my smoke…took one puff and almost gagged on it – it was so freaking gross…
yeah that’s the spirit…keep thinking its gross i knew i just wasted money there but im going to make my money back… im going to sell that packet of smokes.. let’s see how i go..lol.
LOL they were sold in minutes…
Im sonz.. im a dickhead..
I have been smokefree for 5 days but took a stupid puff of a smoke now i feel sick…
I have saved 66.00 to date. Minus the $21.50 i bought that packet for.. adding $15 to what i sold that packt for leaves me with a grand total of…(gets calculator out.. thats some serious counting).59.50..!
circumstances that i dont really want to get in to right now, forced me to not smoke on new years..
so in a way this is a good thing right? the only time that i thought i would fumble..i managed to stay away from smokes…
which i see as a blessing in disguise..
the cravings are lessening…
but im off to have some serious chats with some people today.. so let’s see if the stress levels remain low enough for me to say NO.. ooh let’s see aye…
Hey Im sonz.. Ive been smoke free for 5 days and have saved $55.00+ take into account the extra packet i wouldve bought if i went out drinking… = $66.00
we were all set to go on holiday …packing up car, its been raining heavily so i was taking clothes to laundromat to dry..
then it all turned to shit.
kids sprayed sun tan lotion over everything..
they got a slap on the hand for that.. which made them bawl…
i decided ill take them with me, T is shouting out obscenities.. (gosh hes annoying sometiems)
i put everything in car.. turn the ignition.. and my whole life crumbled….
that bloody battery was flat (A>G>A>I>N!!!).. to give you a bit of history on it.. that battery goes flat if you leave the door open for longer than a minute.. it is so bloody temperamental.
i go and buy a new one. T goes and puts it in my car.. i said nO my car is fine, put it in the family car..nah he reckons..this argument is finally been put to an end.. the battery is officially dead beyond repair.
by now my temper has reached boiling…i get in my car with the choice battery…take clothes to laundro.. next door was a dairy..
i sat there and contemplated buying me some smokes…and you know what came to mind? that i didnt want to upset my blog.. i didnt want to come back and say i let this stupid moment in my life destroy my smokefree status.. im stronger than that..
although right now im thinking.. what would you all know.. if i had gone and bought a packet.. you wouldnt know if i had i just wouldnt tell you.. and it would fall right off your shoulders cos at the end of the day it doesnt matter to you lot… it only matters to me..
so what did i do?…
i went in and bought a fizzy and a mince pie..lol.. i thought well if i munch on this and sip my fizzy.. then by the time im done with that i wouldve forgotten about my need for a smoke.
which it did. i also walked past some smokers and goawd it smelled foul.. so if it smells that way and i know its bad.. why why why why why why do i want a smoke so bad?…
the milktray chocolates have finally been demolished.. my kids found my stash this morning and both ran out of my room with about 5 chocs each under their tops..lol…bless em..
hate that im addicted…
T can’t even talk to me without me spinning out!!!
anything he says im finding an excuse to rob him of his manhood!
its like i want him to make me sooo wild ill give up and go to the store and buy a packet..lol.. yeah.. i think thats what im doing..
I unplugged my laptop from the living room.. i said to him im going to my room. dont follow me, dont talk to me, i dont want you i dont want anything to do with you.. stay away from me1 ARRGHHHHH!!!
i guess partners suffer too…when all theyre trying to do is help.. when ur on edge like this, the best thing i reckon is just stay the f**k away….
i’m sitting there all calm…hes not talking to me .. that’s great..
T:… Babe…
Me: Shut the F**K up i don’t want to talk to you..
T. But babe…
Me: noooo i dont want to know..
T: ok…
(a few seconds go past)
T: i was just going to tell you that programme you wanted to watch is about to sta…..
ME: You dont think i know? you think im stuuuuuupid? stay the hell away from me..
T: aww hun..
ME: don’t talk to me..
SOmeone give this b**ch a ciggy!…
also… I uninvited him to his mother’s house for new years.. told him he wasnt invited to go anymore..lolol shakes head…
i hate being addicted to something….i really hate it..
another day down.. Im sonz.. ive been smokefree for 3 days , have survived a marriage break up…and have saved $44.00
it’s getting harder…admittingly..
the urges are getting more frequent..i seem to be eating more chocolate.. (that milktray is almost all gone.. and still hidden..lol)
yanno how i said i was a funny kind of smoker..
I told my messageboard mates today that i was quitting smoking..
they have been my friends for 3 years now.. and the majority didnt know i smoked..lol.. thats how much i despise it.. i hide it like I am ashamed of it.. my secret shame..lol
im putting things on a scale..
imagine this is my scale…1….2….3…4…5….all the way up to 100.
i am currently at 3 (day 3) and i want to get to 100. if i have a smoke, i have to start from the beginning again…
I dont see the point in anything that i do that would want me to go back to the starters line…
i think im going to put my lil scale at the bottom.
aarrrrggghhhh!
is there a date.. a certain amount of time that has to lapse before one is considered a non smoker?
what stage/phase would I be at now.. at day two?…
seems comical in a sense that there is no rule to this.
I could call myself a ‘non-smoker’ right now..
I mean im not smoking.. havent been for the last two days.. if i make a pledge to say i will try very hard t never smoke again..
can i be classed as a non smoker?.. hmm something to ponder over…
new years coming up.. hope i make it through that monstrosity..
Im sonz. i have been smokefree for two days and have saved $31.50