its. 11.23am.. Day two..
and i finally feel like a ciggy.. although nothing is going to come of this.. im determined not to smoke. I put it down to my partner, T. He stresses me out so much.. just the lil stupid things he does, now i have 0 tolerance and i go straight to blood boiling.. no hahaha funy..
lol remember when love at first moments was all fluffy and lovey dovey?..lol…nope im evil wife these days..
so anyway when he does something that annoys me, i go into auto pilot mode..i *sigh.. vent.. and go outside and smoke a ciggy to release some of that stress that was just put on me…
i cant do that now.. so im going to have to find a way to combat this.. something that’s not so fattening like hiding chocolate in my room..lol (they still havent figured it out)..
off to drink a litre of icy cold water me thinks….
2:10pm….
feeling like another one already.. only cos i got stressed…stupid punk on fb started spamming so i old her to stop… turns out she was an old lady who told me to stop threatening her or she will call the police, then all her lil nieces n nephews came online and LOL.. was funny… gotta feel the love for this old nanna.. but she seriously was in the wrong..anyways.. it got me worked up and now i want a smoke..lol. bahh chocolate here i come….
10:48pm…
again im here.. it seems like when i want a smoke, coming online and writing is really therapeutic.. i had doubts that this blog would work cos i thought if i talked about smoking, id want a smoke.. but its doing the opposite actually… im realising the power i have.. there is an urge within me to wanna go buy a packet.. i think that’s the easy part.. if there were a ciggy lying around the house.. id go smoke it.. but because i dont have any.. i wont go buy them..i think its going to be easier to talk myself out of buying a packet than smoking one.. so let’s hope i dont go and buy one.. ugghh even though i want to…!staying strong.. might call quit line tomorrow.. see what theyve got to say..
Ever get that feeling.. that you’re just over it?..
When you’ve done something so long, been a certain way for like, forever you just do it naturally. Yep that’s me.. addictive personality, predictable.. no will power..i sat outside last night.. my partner went and bought me a packet of Freedom 30’s.. (they cost $18) he mentioned to me that the price of smokes is going up the next day…I sat there, like a coke addict, arm reached out gimme gimme my smokes…I didn’t care.. as long as I got my fix…
Breathed in…hmmm mmmm yeah that’s the good shit right there..!
Then after that first puff you start to feel these feelings of guilt..
…(man, smokes are going to cost $21.00).. hmmm puff puff…
…(I should really give up)… puff puff..
Ive actually wanted to give up for a while.. im a bullshit smoker..i only really smoke at home and places that I feel safe. I don’t smoke walking my streets, I don’t smoke at work..infact.. unless I say im off for a smoke which I hardly ever do.. or they see me.. not many know that I smoke..
In the last 5 years or so I became a reclusive (bullshit) smoker.. this is where I would act all smokefree…I would never say I was smokefree.. but I would rubbish the smokers with the next joe..
And then id go home and puff up a storm!..
So this is what my blog is about.. going the distance..
Im giving myself a year to become totally smokefree.. I think I can do this.. im feeling pretty confident. ..
So today 28/12/2011.. is the day I decided I would give up. Nothing great about this day.. more that I was on the final few cigs and decided that once the packet was empty I wasn’t going to buy some more.
I tried really hard last night (27.12) to smoke the entire packet so I could start off today with nothing.. haha you would think I could’ve thrown the rest out.. if you’ve ever been a smoker you would know.. u cant/don’t throw smokes out..lol..its not that easy.. you have to smoke that shit!
So I had my normal morning ciggy.. I said to my partner who will be known as ‘T’ who is also a bullshit smoker who only smokes when I have them.. and doesn’t care when there aren’t any around.. (oh to be like him)…I said to him.. you have the last ciggy.. ‘ok’ he replies..
Well I wait half the bloody morning for him to smoke that ciggy.. I walk outside.. I still see it there in it’s packet.. ‘why hasn’t he smoked that yet’?..lol I actually started to get mad.. that that ciggy should’ve been well and truly turned to ash by now..but nope.. he didn’t care about it..
I became obsessed with it.. go do the dishes… finish.. has he smoked it yet?… nope.
Sat in my living room.. and I envisioned this lonely cigarette….sitting outside..
I know it seemed stupid.. but to me, having that one live ciggy in the house meant I couldn’t really move on to being smokefree.. so I did what anyone in my situation would’ve done..
I smoked it..lol.
There was a bit of nostalgia with it as well as I thought about the epic moment this was.. I was about to give up smoking.. ! I walked back inside and I felt a bit of relief if you must know.. I was glad that smoke was gone.. (ten minutes later.. T comes looking for it..lol)..
That was this morning..
The afternoon proved to be a bit harder.. the more I thought about it the more I wanted one.. Im not a chocolate eater..can have a piece or two at max.. too rich for me..
Well I have a whole bloody tray of Cadbury milk tray hidden in my room.. not because I want to be greedy.. more because that is T’s addiction.. chocolate.. if he saw that I had opened that tray, they would’ve all been gone by now and I would have nothing to take the edge off when I need a smoke..
Ive had two hazelnut delights… and a vanilla fudge…
Oh and ive drunk copious amounts of water today too. And man that’s good..
The evening is pretty cruisy.. im surprised I don’t want a smoke..
So to end my lil speel for tonight..
Im Sonz… I have been smokefree for 1 day & I have saved a total of $21.00 to date.
